I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
