Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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