You made me cry and you don't even care
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
