my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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