i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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