I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
