I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
