My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dick very happy bro
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
