I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
