he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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