There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
