If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
