I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
