you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
