I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
