You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
