My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
