i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
