i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did i walk over a car last night?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
