When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
