mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
