literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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