Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
