Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
