I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
