is your mom at the bar?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
