Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
