Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think i have herpe
just one?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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