Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
