my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
