True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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