Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
