I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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