Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
