last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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