I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize