I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
