but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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