I should be sponsored by Trojan
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i've created a new STD.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
