Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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