I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
