Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
