I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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