so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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