can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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