He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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