I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
