I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
