my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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