get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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