Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
