Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
