why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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