that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
