I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
