I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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