dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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