He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
