so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Life without a bra equals bliss.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize