Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
